Memoirs of a wormhole zombie

I wrote that wormhole space is infected with zombies: barely active players who occupy the wormholes keeping new players away and providing no combat opportunities to anyone. Since theories worth little without proof, I turned into a wormhole zombie myself. But that will be the topic of a business post this week. What I want to write now is the comedy how my unlife ended. About business all you have to know now that I evacuated everything from my WH two months ago when I started the GRR project, all that's left was a Minmatar POS with 30 online guns, 40 EWAR modules, 62-57-57-57 resists and a bunch of Epithals. The largest value in my POS was the fuel, not counting the Rokh and the Hulk of my girlfirend which couldn't be carried out, so considered lost anyway.

So on Friday evening, in the usual time I logged in to restart extractors. Casually dscanned and it was full of ships. OK, a WH alliance is travelling trough a chain to highsec, I can't care less. But when I finished the extractors, I saw them on grid with the POS. A 40+ Goon-RvB fleet. Somehow they found my WH and now they came for the large loot and tears. They will now show who's the man! Let me remind you that they picked the time when I logged in on a daily basis, and they entered the WH while I was online, visible in the POS. Goons are dumb.

Since I was online, I logged in my POS gunner and got to work. I manned the ECM batteries and jammed the logies. Ships popped one by one, with a pretty blinged one too. Then the Goons sent away the kitchen sink ships, keeping only the well tanked Ishtars on the POS and got more Scimis, so they stopped dying:
OK, what shall I do now? I checked the corp hangar array and found some random crap inside, plus leftover PI material. I filled them into ships and put those back to the ship maintenance array. SMA remains active when the POS is reinforced, the CHA doesn't. But still, some PI materials were in the CHA and I had no more ships. What shall I do? I warped my scanner off the POS (no bubbles) to a far safe and launched combat probes to be less obvious and scanned down the signatures. I've found the N110 (the highsec static of my C1 wormhole), warped there to see if there is a hole in the bubblecage... and there were no bubbles. No camp either. So I started freighting PI stuff out while an eviction fleet was on grid. After 3 ships got out, Goons realized that they are idiots and placed a camp on the static. Still no bubbles of course.

After these I went to bed. In the morning I've found that 40+ Goonies spent 4 hours shooting my POS and the POCOs: I did a dscan and saw nothing. Did I forget to add warp bubbles to the overview? No, Goons forgot to plant them. So I casually freighted out the random crap, the unneccessary fuel and the PI stuff in the Epithals stored in the SMA. Some random Goons tried to catch me, but fitting more than 1 point of warp disruption is just as hard as planting bubbles. So the POS evacuation was complete, save for some cap boosters and PI mats that got locked in the CHA. What shall I do now?

Then I got a crazy idea. Luck was on my side as I did a PI haul just a day before: You can see P2 materials in that batch, which means P1.5 planets in my WH, which means they are fully restocked with P1. How about salvaging that too? So off I went to visit POCOs during an eviction. I got most out with only random bombers pointing me with less strength than my warp stabs.

Finally they figured out the solution: interdictors perma-bubbling the static wormhole. No, still no anchored bubbles:
I simply sent my T1 hauler to orbit the wormhole on the highsec side and every now and then jump in, jump out. They camped like their life depending on it, whenever I jumped, the bubbles were there. Finally they figured how to fight back. They got bumping battleships to keep my AFK-orbiting industrial out of range:
After a few hours they got a better idea and suicide ganked it. They used 4 catas for a 4K EHP T1 indy in 0.6, where a single T1 cata could do the job, but - as we know - Goons are dumb:
After a few more hours I went back and found that they finally anchored bubbles. I was too brave and tried to cross the bubbles, escorted by a Blackbird. They had 3!!! sabres to bubble them until they killed the hauler with pod and the Blackbird with my old suicide ganker pod. Now my former suicide ganker pilot was in highsec, so I got into a ganky cata and returned to shoot bubbles. Killed a large T2 one, when a Sabre decloaked and engaged the Catalyst with guns. I'm still puzzled what was he thinking. After this event, they upgraded their camp with a Proteus, a Brutix, a Tornado and 2 more Sabres. They needed it, after one of the old ones found a clever way to die. Being 100% sure that the POS holds large value, they commanded their pets into action:
This was in Saturday afternoon. I went on trading, doing normal stuff and alarm clocked to 3 AM. Jumped in a Catalyst, hellcamp with 5 ships is still there and locked me immediately (I jumped back to higsec). These morons were up for more than 10 hours constantly camping the static. What they didn't do is scanning around, so they missed a K162, a wormhole that connected my system to lowsec. So I logged in one of the PI pilots and hauled out 3 more transports of PI from the POCOs, before Goons realized that "wormhole control" includes ... wormholes. So the ones on the bottom right of the screenshot and a Falcon closed it. They went back camping the static, I went back to sleep.
During downtime I've read my old WH posts waiting to log in to make screenshots of the Goon fleet and realized what's missing from this post: No Holes Barred showing up to gank. Then I logged in, warped to the static perch and found:
I swear I didn't call them or have any idea how they got here or why. I blued NOHO only to distinguish them on the overview. They popped the two campers and criticalled the hole. When Goons popped it from the outside, they criticalled the new one. Finally I asked the FC to convo me to figure out what's going on:
Bizarre. They first offered to ransom me for a song. Then they offered to protect me ... for a song. I really don't want to know what kind of internet pictures these guys are watching during their "private minutes". Anyway, I offered them a financial deal: I give them the POS (by inviting an alt to the corp and making it CEO), so they can sell it later. I would only get some upset Goons who have to form up again to re-reinforce. But NOHO only wanted the song, so no deal was made and they let the "Goon" fleet in: Red: Goon. Orange: RvB. As usual, the pets do the structure work for the Goons. Since they jumped in 13:33 EVE time and the fleet was called for "right after Sunday DT", they were in fleet waiting for NOHO letting them in for more than 2 hours. Being a pet is lot of waiting and structure shooting.

My tower popped one last goon and exploded. But RvB couldn't celebrate, as the promised riches weren't in the CHA and the only things of value in the SMA were the Hulk and the Rokh that couldn't be evacuated. Finally NOHO slain them like... pets. They lost 1.81B (+Rokh), which is much more than what I've lost and placed the crown on their op.

After that NOHO spent about an hour killing POS modules. Did I mention that they are weird? When they left, I came back in Epithals and finished removing PI from the POCOs. After that I warped back to the ruins and picked the remains and left the Wormhole:
Later I've seen on the killboard that the POCOs fell. Since the first fell at 17:45, and the last at 19:14, with formup, this was another 2 hours fleet for the 40 participants. There isn't a single Goon on the kills by the way, the Noble Goons are above such mundane tasks, it's for pets only.

I won't lie: while in the last days I laughed a lot on the series of fails and mishaps of the Goons and their pets, leaving was a sad moment. Not only because I liked that WH, but because it's one thing to know that you must live in Empire or NPC null if you want to fight Goons, it's another to see it first-hand. I know that until the Goons are defeated, I can't live in Null or WH space, can't have a "space home". This is the price that everyone must pay who don't want to live as a Goon pet.

Did it worth it? I mean wouldn't it be easier to just become a Goon pet? If you really ask that, please look at RvB. Do you really want to be like them? Read this forum post from NOHO: in order to carry out the orders of their masters, they had to sing for NOHO and thrown their whole fleet to them as ransom. That's what it means to be a Goon pet: to be a low(ly) snake. Update: the Goons just commanded them back to the fight after their lost POCOs became news! RvB yet again is at war with Lemmings, Marmites and now Noir!

Summary: Goons and their RvB pets lost 3B worth of ships and about 400 man-hours for about 2B kills (0.5N of it unsavable Rokh+Hulk) and zero loot, despite their enemy was a single player plus unrelated third parties.